3am blogging

what's a better place to stir up thoughts than on the porcelain throne. it may be 3 but duty calls...duty

had a thought today (yesterday)...i feel that i've been taking this situation that has happened very well. i'm not sunk in depression. not suicidal. more so homicidal but that's everyday regardless. i am more...free? not to say i felt imprisoned by any means previously. it's just a different take on the same surroundings. only thing is still eating alot and spending way more money than i would like. working on myself though, mentally and physically.

now mentally, i don't know what improvements are noticeable or what changes are apparent unless someone is there to point it out to me. quite frankly though, i'm at a point where mot many are close enough to say or dare to...not in a threatening way but, they prolly know i don't care. as long as i'm not an asshole, then that's all that should matters. if i am, then i'd definitely would prefer an acknowledgement. on the physical side, i'm getting less tired going up 6 flight of steps. i've been under a certain weight which i'm extremely proud of. progress is slow...but the fruits of my labor will be that much more sweeter. the hardest part of all this is the constant will power and discipline. without it, you're just pulling on a thread that'll undo a seam seamlessly. some days i treat myself. some days more than others. but there are some days where i stick to my plan. the concept of balance is difficult when the perception is distorted. like, how much did i eat? was it enough or was it too much? how much do i need to work out to burn that off? what happens if i don't since the weather is shitty?

unfortunately sometimes the latter is what i used. God knows i try. the process of working out usually start off very hesitantly but once you break through it, it's like climbing uphill to get over that hump to the decline is so satisfying. i shan't be complacent though. i see what other's progress looks like and i am shooting for a higher goal. can't stop now my momma is too proud. just kidding. it's a song. she really don't care. in fact i think she may be tryna sabotage my regiment by making greasy, salty food. her and my uncle. i'm onto you two...