stupid! stupid! stupid!

god, i wouldn't think that even at this age i would be capable of doing cringeworthy shit...yet here i am. looking back at my vulnerable moments at my low points. ..talking Wonderwall this, Wonderwall that...blech! get a fucking grip! fuckin pathetic! ironically, i don't, didn't even feel that way. it was during a fraility in my life that allowed me to succumbed to such foolishness. luckily, nothing happened. just my mind blowing things outta proportions

not many knows this blog...kinda wish someone does that'll be able to slap me if i ever do some dumb shit like that again. i hope i have learned my lesson. my priorities are in order. like Tupac Shakur says, "M.O.B."

LIBERATION!

now i know how West Berlin felt after The Great War of '86.

i'm just playing. i have no idea about anything of that nature. but i do feel liberated. almost in the sense of freedom...wait, is that not what liberating means? i guess. what am i, Webster? oh well. right now i am feeling like i have broken free from the spell. not by choice though lol but by all means, what can you do? i do however got really tired of trying and it shouldn't be that hard, you know? it should've been easy. i mean, that's how i struck oil last time was just to let if flow. now i am not saying that it should be handed to me. it's just the chase is no longer fun. with no accomplishment. especially when the other person or the object you are chasing is running way, way, way, way faster than you or at least running farther to different direction. you think you're chasing them but you're really chasing a mirage.

i do however want to stay in contact with my Godsis, which i've made it clear that i'm not going to harass her. she said she's very busy and good for her and hopefully our time will meet soon. other than that. no more Wonderwall crap. no more Wonderwall posts. no more Wonderwall sappy music shit. no more Wonderwall. time to refocus my priorities and just let it come naturally.
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i wonder if that Korean girl in Edison was available...

sweet dreams are not made of these

need to write this down before i forget. it was last night and still somewhat fresh from my dream. for whatever reason, me, my Godsis, and my Wonderwall were in Columbus, Ohio? doing God knows what but there were other folks there as well. they're irrelevant at this point. so I guess we had a house or rented one near a lake? sorta look cabin-ish. so I went down to the dock to retrieve couple bags of groceries, saw my Wonderwall either standing down there or approaching down there. what threw me off was the fact that she was pregnant. i was so highly disappointed. almost heartbroken.

next scene: the kitchen. unloading the groceries and one of the supporting dream character suggested to make pho for me because we had ribeye. not sure why that's relevant but after that i headed to the couch. now either she was already sitting there or going to the couch as well but i remembered when she was sitting there, i offered to have her lay down and put her legs on my lap. she...refused? i think? got up and walked away. lol. even in my dreams I'm being rejected.

and that's pretty much it. my crush, pregnant. i'm crushed. definitely not knocked up by me because i remembered being devastated and shocked. but once again, some weird ass fictional world i put myself in doing who knows what but things never turned out how i dreamed. ironically even in my dreams

pic a plate: Sampan, Philadelphia, PA

lets toast with some Sampan!

lol was that stupid? i guess. then i again i guess it would make more sense if the reference was understood. caught up with an ex-friend, hopefully now we can maintain a normal friendship if she doesn't fuck up again, last night a this place call Sampan in literally, the Gayborhood of Philadelphia on 13th st.

is this what Buddhist means by reincarnation?

now the whole belief in Buddhism is that if you die, you'd be born again into another living thing whether it be another person or animal. but what if i did died, emotionally, and now i am reincarnated into myself again? does that still count?

my July top 5 of top 5

gonna randomly do a list of lists monthly, calling it...um, Top 5 of 5. just so i can look back and see what weird shit i was into at the current moment

i'm-mortality

there's definitely something mortal when it comes to feeling unwanted. not necessarily do i feel rejected but boy does it comes close. i've said it before. i'm not afraid of rejection. the honesty is liberating. it comes after the chase, which is exhilarating. the nauseating anticipation. and alas, the final destination. no man's land

i tried to not think about it. hopeless romantic or just plain hopeless at this point. not to be confused with desperation, which there isn't. the thought of putting your frailty out there to be tested and returned in one piece, even more hardened, gives me a sense of accomplishment. overcoming an illusion of hardship and pain. knowing you're still alive. still in one piece. that allows you to pick your sword and shield up and go into battle again for the woman you love. or in this case, desired. infatuated.

i learned a new word today (actually yesterday but was too lazy to post): limerence. It defines as being infatuated, or obsessed, not sure which i am, with someone to have a desire of reciprocated feelings not necessarily sexual. that sorta sums it up. i'm not looking for some quick fun. substance is crucial. personality is equally important as looks. face it, no-one turns head from being a good person. it's the quality after the looks that keeps the other at bay.

regardless, i'm just gonna chill. sweating while getting paid. waitin for my Wonderwall

so today was interesting

let's get this out of the way. i am not bitch made. i could care less who i'm friends with online. it's who i got in my inner circle in real life that concerns me. so when today i noticed that someone dear to me unfriended me on Facebook. ..i found that odd. like, what happened? did i do something? if i did, why wasn't i told? so instead of sitting there pondering, i straight up asked them. long story short, it doesn't really matter the online status/relationship as long as we go on to maintain our actual friendship. that's all that matters to me. i still love her though. hope she realize that

another interesting tidbit was i spoke to my Wonderwall (i think that's what i shall refer her as from now on) today. i requested to my Godsis to get my message to her that i would like to, i NEED to, talk to her. then behold, i get a phone call, more than what i expected since i thought most was a text, from a private number. i'm glad i picked up. although i do admit that i understand it's a strange thing for someone out the blue to try to talk to you that knows you but you don't remember them; i understood if she was being cautious. i am 70% sure she either a) used a voice disguising app or b) had someone speak on her behalf with her being there. i remembered her voice being more sultry, even though it was a bit deeper. stronger. more vibrant. this person had a higher pitch, a bit almost like an accent. i know she doesn't have an accent. i may be wrong in all this, which i hope, because i do cherished that moment. i was so awestruck. found myself a bit speechless. so many things to tell her. so many feelings to express. i couldn't just pour it all out all at once. in fact, lol, she didn't even remember me! how would she? i stood out like coal in a blackout.

i wanted to tell her i missed her. i wanted to tell her how i thought she was so beautiful from the day i met her til now. i wanted to let her know that i'm sorry for not being there all these years. that i am here. hopefully not too little too late. yet all i could do was blabber about our past and tryna rejog her memories. oh how futile that effort was. nevertheless, she was sweet as ever. i am hoping though that an impression was made and maybe next time she won't blocked her number lol

fuckin sap here, checkin in