blogging at 2am

it's one of my favorite time to write something. regardless of the blog's traffic, it is something that's used to get stuff off my chest. clear the mind. relax the body. free the soul.

cheesy, i know. but its like i'm talking virtually to a friend that doesn't judge and is always ready and open to listen to all the mundane shit i gotta say and rant about

i tried to reconnect with some old friends. more like..ex-friends. and not reconnect like, hey let's be best buds or hang out again. i've been having somewhat pretty vivid dreams and they kinda made me reminisce. i felt like alot has been left unsaid. alot of loose ends. i don't know if i would even call it closure because i'd survive just fine without doing so. it's just now with free time on my hand, why not? i mean, i am starting to really to get into myself. do it now because later might be never, type of mentality. and it's not like i'm referencing death. just if i continue to put it off then i may never do it

what do i have to lose? i still got my friends. still got my family. most importantly, i can live with myself better knowing that i tried. i'll say what i have to say. get it off my chest. you can like it or not, but it is how i feel. it will never be with an intent to cause harm nor humiliation. if it does, then i shall own up to it. i have made it clear with my friends about that and they know. what's the point of being friends if we can't be honest? what's the point of becoming friends if i can't be honest? what's the point of staying friends if i can't be honest?

friends come and go. my good buddy, who's pretty much is one of my best friend, said that a friend that is only around for the good times is not really a friend. and i whole heartedly agree because he's there for me through this rough patch right now. and another friend told me, sucks i can't remember who, that i should steer away from familiarity, which is kinda sorta what i am not doing by reaching out to old friends. but i have to try though...even if i end up with egg on my face. i told them that it's very comfortable to go with the known rather than the unknown...

i fear the unknown. i fear getting rejected. i fear putting myself out there and not getting someone back. but i cannot hope to strike and hit oil twice. i cannot sit back and let it undermine my goals. Van Gogh said, "Normality is a paved road. It is comfortable to walk on but there's no flowers". ultimately i feel that my fear of regrets is way stronger than my other fears and that is something i won't live with.

work through the pain. work through the fear. because in the end, you are working for a new and improved you.