instant ragret

i know i shouldn't have. i know i didn't want to...but a part of me did. however small that part was, it was louder and more powerful than the other part that told me not to proceed. i did it anyway. i wish i didn't. ..

nothing of the past were visible in those eyes. not an ounce remained. no remnants. it was like a stranger...like, someone had an intimate vendetta against me, took their time implementing their scheme, and unleashed it after over a decade of being dormant. i mean, was i THAT blind? i pride myself in being aware; more awared than others. then again, was everyone around me blinded, too? this can't be real. ..yet, it is?

i try to move on. i AM trying to move on. i am moving on. i've MOVED on! ...or have i? my soul soaked the impact like a sponge when i seen it, now leaving me with this heavines...i thought. ..guess i thought wrong. but, but...i rarely miscalculate. is this just residual effects? i need to breathe. i need air. this will require time...yet i don't need space. my heart is beating so loud that anymore space than what i have right now will just be drums echoing this negativity. this doubt. lack of self worth. failure.

none of which i shall succumb to. i will right this ship. it's been done before...it can be done again. i've been through the worst. this is just removing the gooey substances leftover from peeling the bandaid.